I feel like I’ve forgotten something. Something important. That’s always the case isn’t it. You feel like you’ve forgotten something, and it always turns out to be important. But if it really was that important, how could you forget it?! It doesn’t make sense to me. Perhaps I’m going a little mad. On second thoughts, I’ve always been mad, and as the days go by I find myself slipping further and further into mental and spiritual chaos. I realized today that no one can save me. Not even you. It’s up to me to find closure and clarity on my own. Anyone trying to help me – whether they mean to try or not – will only fail miserably at making me see what I need to see. This is simply because anyone can wave it around in front of my face, but it’s up to me to open my eyes and see it, am I right?
The system is such that we can’t fix ourselves in peace. Everyone’s going to get in the way of your self-development, and when you let people and events cloud your judgement, you only drive yourself deeper into what you’ve been trying to get away from. That’s what has been happening to me lately. What it all comes down to is whether or not I know what I want. And underneath it all, I do know. But with the kind of world I live in, it’s too difficult for words. Too difficult to make my thoughts and feelings a reality. The timing is just all wrong. Unfortunately there are certain external factors that we have no control over, and that’s why we get screwed so much when it comes to this sort of thing. You can only control so much in your life, but things like “time”, the actions of the people around you, and certain events all get in your way. There’s no way you can really get rid of these factors in this system that people have trapped themselves in – i.e. the one that I am currently struggling to break free of. Not unless you isolate yourself completely, or find the right circumstances to surround yourself with (e.g. the right people, the right atmosphere, etc.). Sucky part is folks, you can’t always do that. Not in THIS world you can’t. If you’re stuck where I’m stuck and are trying to get out too, you’re gonna have a damn tough time.
The trick is waiting. They say time heals all wounds and all that, but I think that’s utter bullshit. And it definitely is. People don’t necessarily get over their wounds. I know I’ll never get over D. I’ll never get over Cookie. I’ll never get over a lot of things really. And neither will you. Suppress it if you can, it’s not gonna go away. You may succeed in locking it up for a while, but watch yourself, coz it WILL come out someday. Maybe in a few years, maybe in a few decades... “Time” heals nothing… I digress. If you can wait for the right time to face everything that’s going on inside you, you’ll hit all the right targets. I can’t focus on exams and my personal issues at the same time. Never works. Unfortunately exams chronologically come first. Hence I have to put aside my worries and flip open a textbook.
It’s not as simple as I make it sound. Coz it doesn’t usually work like that. To do something like that, you need some serious discipline, which I don’t really have. Thankfully it works SOME of the time, and that’s better than nothing. Fact is, the more I do it, the easier it becomes, and soon I’ll have learnt to focus on what I need to WHEN I need to. Such discipline doesn’t come naturally with most people. It’s something to be developed, and anyone can develop it. The flaw in this theory is that most people can’t look deep enough inside themselves to see what the core problem is (i.e. that they can’t focus on the right things at the right time) and that’s why they drive themselves up the wall. They aren’t actually aware of their “spiritual sickness” as I like to call it. This confusion can only be sorted out one way. Shut the fuck up, find yourself a quiet spot, and THINK. For some I would suggest writing. I generally figure myself out by sitting down and just writing out my thoughts. There are many other methods, but the key is to be relaxed. You can’t think straight if you’re stressed and tense, can you?
My point is, at 2 minutes to midnight, all you can do is help YOURSELF. People won’t always come to your rescue, and because no one will ever really know you like you know yourself, they may even make it worse by doing so. Furthermore, YOU can’t know anyone ELSE so completely, in which case you can never be sure how much you can REALLY count on them. I’m not saying they’ll turn around and stab you in the back (although I have many and ex-friend who have done so – including myself), but they won’t always have the perfect thing to say to make you feel better. You could have the ultimate connection, but even that will not be enough. Coz what’s inside of you cannot and SHOULD not be anyone else’s problem. It’s YOUR responsibility to sort yourself out. And unless you actually become one with someone else, you can’t be open with anyone to the point that they understand you completely. And of course, to form such a connection, you’d have to surpass all discoveries of spiritual development to find the core of divine energy. Good luck if you think you can. I can assure you, it’s much harder than it sounds – although well worth the try.

I am aware that no one reading this will understand what I’m saying, which only proves my point. Yes, I am crazy. I always knew it. And no one’s gonna get me for as long as I’m alive. And that is why all that I’m going through is up to me and me alone to sort out.