so, it's been a while since i last blogged. been a while since i last got online. lotsa hate mail, lotsa random forwards, and heaps of friend requests that pass by unnoticed... my exams have begun, and i am not happy. the world is stumbling and tripping over its own shoelaces, and i know i've played a part. ah well, at the end of the day, it's us who wreck everything. we have none to blame but ourselves. we selfish billions that destroy the few good things we came up with. fools. when the world finally falls, there'll be nothing but regrets and laments. not much different from today, i guess, which only goes to show that the end is near.
you know what relief is? relief is getting sick of work after only a month and a half, and then having incredible sex one day during your lunch break. i wouldn't know this, but trust me, it's true. lunch-break sex. blue suede shoes. jailhouse rock. i like elvis. he was musically inclined AND hot! point is, the day's going well, but i know this kind of thing never lasts for long with me, so i'm gonna make the most of it now, and not get my hopes up. i'll just brace myself for the pain that's yet to come.
the past couple of months have indeed been hectic. in april, not too long after my birthday, i found myself struggling to write. i couldn't write a single essay at school, and despite my muse hovering over my head from time to time, i couldn't put into words the things i wanted to say. reflecting on all of this, i now realize that this started a long time ago. around the start of the year. my poetry from during that period is not even worth mentioning, but i've put most of them up as a method of documenting my own progress through life.
funny how things change so much in so little time. looking over my first few blog entries, i can see that i'm not at all the same person i once was. it's not just my style that's changed, but i really sound like someone else. or maybe this is me coming out of my skin. or as some would put it, breaking free of my cage. i don't know, it could be anything. anyway, what i do know is that these changes are a form of growth. this is me learning and evolving, i guess. this is my period of metamorphosis. do i dare say that perhaps one day i will be a butterfly? honestly, i'd rather be a moth. i stand for all the blanche dubois of the world. i feel that way sometimes.
i tend to go all over the place, yes. but this is me spitting out my thoughts. i've been trying to do this for so long that now that it's coming out, i can't seem to control it. i'm just typing every thought that drifts through me.
so back to the writer's block. like i said, i knew what i wanted to say because i could feel it, but i just didn't have the words. have i finally learnt to abandon language? ever since deconstructuralism, i've wanted to destroy words. if only there was some way to communicate without them. that would change the world once and for all for the greater good. but how many of us would really be bothered to make the effort to discover the secret behind communication sans language? there is no secret, my fellow freaks. just feel. if you can tap into what you feel, then there will be no use for words. i know this because i've done it. alone and with people. it is the abandonment of words that sees the difference between 'making love' and 'having a good fuck'.
people don't like me. i don't blame them. i did some pretty abominable things. that's no reason to go making stuff up though. why can't people leave well enough alone? and why do they need to be such cowards about it? fine, say what you want about me, it doesn't bother me, at least i know the truth. but YOU become the asshole when you 'empower' yourself with empty words and try to turn good people against the ones they love. there's no need to feed anyone anything. if i'm a bitch, let others judge for themselves. keep your opinions to yourself. but who am i kidding. it's just an opinion anyway, so why say all of this? well, the thing is, folks, it is for this reason that the idea of hate mail is so incredibly sad. if you hate someone that damn much, you're the fool for wasting time on bitching about them! who has the last laugh? i have to say, this is quite flattering. it shows you care! hahahahahahahaha............
ah, let the people scream their insults. they're too stupid realize that they're fighting a losing battle. we can only pity those that fail to see. yes, their eyes are open, but can they see? no, because they never bothered to switch on the light. and the most pathetic part of it all? the cowardice. i'd probably have respect for someone who could bitch about me to my face. scared little motherfuckers, huh... no, there's nothing respectable about that. that's why all your miserable little comments go unnoticed by my real friends.
speaking of real friends, the one person that you think you're protecting is the one person that's protecting me, the one person that hates you for betraying HER. i love you chrissy, you're the best friend anyone could ever have, and much unlike those of you i once called friends (yes, peter - or should i say judas - i mean you too), you, chrissy, have proven to me that you truly are an angel.
